“Failure is good.”

That’s something I say and write about often. 

But failure is painful. 

I just failed.

I was facilitating a Google Apps For Education (#GAFE) Intro to Drive for my colleagues. 

I didn’t fail to prepare.

I didn’t fail to identify the audience.

I didn’t fail to know my target.

But I failed.

I threw too much, too fast, and didn’t slow down.

Here’s the agenda.

My colleague absolutely nailed Google’s Forms. 

I however, was all over the place.

I could feel the room getting lost. I could feel their conversations. But rather than slowing down, taking a breath and adjusting to the moment, I surged through the fog and kept talking.

Faster. And faster. And faster.

Fortunately, my wife is also a colleague and on the same staff. As she was getting ready to face her kids at 7:50am, I said, “That was bad. Too much. Too fast, huh.”

“Yeah,” Emmy stated, “You just need to be more concise and stay on the topic.”

Growth is painful. What I felt immediately after the session was a comparison to my colleague who was concise and masterful in description of using Forms as a survey or formative assessment tool. What I thought immediately after the session was never again.

Never again will I present to the whole staff at 7am in a computer lab. 

Never again this.

Never again that.

I recoiled.

I wanted to go into my classroom and hide.

But then I realized I needed to drop my kids off at daycare.

Then I realized a sub was waiting to get into my building.

Then I realized I may, if I’m lucky, I may just get to do that again. Less than an hour out, and writing this is helping me to restore confidence.

I hope, I really hope I get another chance to do better- that’s why failure is good.

Failing sucks.

It’s hard.

I feel vulnerable.

I don’t want to be less than. I don’t want to be perceived as being bad at. But if I don’t put myself out their, then I’ll never get better at teaching, training, and coaching. 

This gig is tough, but I’m grateful for the opportunity to do what I get to do.

Finally, am I being vain or narcissistic for blogging this? Should this continue to go in my journal and only be seen by me? That’s my essential question for the day.

Enjoy the time with learners today!